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A Reirsre Todos!!

REGGIE: We’ve got a new dog-Would you like to come aroundAnd play with him?
RON: Well, I don’t know-does he bites?
REGGIE: That’s what I want to find out.

DOCTOR: Good morning, Mrs. Potter. I haven’t seen you for a long time.
MRS. POTTER: I know, Doctor, I’ve been ill.

TEACHER: Polly, how can you prove the world is round?
POLLY: I never said it was.

FRANKIE: Which month has twenty-Eight days?
PEGGY: All of them.

TOMMY: Dad, what are four grapes and three grapes?
DAD: Don’t you know simple arithmetic? Haven’t you done a problem like that before?
TOMMY: No, Dad, we always use bananas at school.

DENTIST: Please stop howling. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
PATIENT: I know, but you’re standing on my foot.

TEACHER: Mary, can you name four animals of the cat family?
MARY: Mother cat, father cat, and two kittens.

BOBBY: Dad, I’m too tired to do my homework.
DAD: Now, my boy, hard work never killed anyone yet.
BOBBY: Well, I don’t want to run the risk of being the first.

CUSTOMER: Waiter, I’ve only got one piece of meat.
WAITER: Just a moment, sir, and I’ll cut it in two.

MOVIE ATTENDANT: That’s the sixth ticket you’ve bought.
COSTUMER: I know-there is a girl in there that keeps tearing them up.

TEACHER: Which is farther away-Australia or the moon?
BOBBY: Australia.
TEACHER: Why do you say that?
BOBBY: We can see the moo, and we can’t see Australia.

“Why are you jumping up and down?”
“I’ve just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.”

JUDGE: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
MOTORIST: Well, there was a sign that said FINE FOR PARKING.

“Does your tooth still hurt?”
“I don’t know-the dentist kept it.”

LADY (on phone): Doctor, what can I do-my little boy has swallowed my pen!
DOCTOR: Use a pencil.

TEACHER: I wish you’d pay a little attention.
ANGIE: I’m paying as little as I can.

JILL: Daddy, Jack’s broken my new doll.
DADDY: How did he do that?
JILL: I hit him on the head with it.

GORDON: How’s your sister doing with her reducing diet?
CHARLIE: Fine-she disappeared last week.

YOUNG MAN: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand.
FATHER: You’ll have to take all of her or it’s no deal.

BROWN: The police are looking for a man with one eye called Smith.
WHITE: What’s the other eye called?

FRANK: Four sailors fell in the sea, but only one of them got his hair wet.
JOHNNY: How was that?
FRANK: Three of them wee bald.

JACKIE: I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last person on earth.
JOHNNY: If I were, you wouldn’t be here.

JULIE: That boy is annoying me.
WENDY: Why, he is not even looking at you.
JULIE: I know, that’s what’s annoying me.

CLARE: I see you’re invited to Sandra’s party.
ZELDA: Yes, but I can’t go. The invitation says 4 to 7, and I’m eight.

AUNTIE: Well, Billy, how do you like school?
BILLY: Closed.

FARHER: Who gave you that black eye?
JACK: Nobody-I had to fight for it.

AUNTIE: Come on, Billy, dear, eat your gabbage, it’s good for growing children.
BILLY: I don’t want to grow any children.

POLICEMAN: I’m afraid I’m going to lock you up for the night.
HOOLIGAN: Why-what’s the charge?
POLICEMAN: Oh, there’s no charge-It’s all part of the service.

PAT: How did you manage to crash your car?
MATT: You see that ditch over there?
PAT: Yes.
MATT: Well, I didn’t.

MAVIS: Does your cat have fleas?
TOOTS: Don’t be silly, cats don’t have fleas;
They have kittens.

PATIENT: You were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.
DOCTOR: That’s good; when did you started walking?
PATIENT: When I got your bill-I had to sell my car to pay it.

“What is the formula for water?”
“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”
“That’s not the formula I gave you.”
“I thought you said the formula was H to O.”

“Did you know that it takes three sheep to make one sweater?”
“No, I didn’t know they could knit.”

“I learned to write in school today.”
“What did you write?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t learned to read yet.”

“Did your mother help you with your homework?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, she didn’t help me; she did it all.”

“Your essay is the worst in the class. I think I’d better send your father a note about it.”
“I don’t think you should. He wrote it.”

“Where is the English Channel?”
“I don’t know, our television set doesn’t pick it up.”

“Well, how do you like going to school?”
“I like going all right, and I like coming home. But it’s the time in between that I don’t like.”

“Now, if I laid three eggs here and five over there, how many eggs would I have?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t believe you can do it.”

“Mother, could you help me with my homework?”
“It wouldn’t be right.” - “You could at least try.”

“Teacher, when I grow up I want to be an astronaut and be the first person to land on the sun.”
“You can’t land on the sun. It’s too hot.”
“I know that. I’ll land at night.”

“Everything is going up. The price of food, clothing, everything. I wish something would go down.”
“Take a look at my report card.”

Name five things that contain milk.
Ice cream, cheese, butter and two cows.

“What did you learn in school today?”
“I learned to say, ‘Yes, sir,’ and ‘No, sir;’ ‘Yes,ma’am,’ and ‘No, ma’am’.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.”

“What is a comet?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you know what they call a star with a tail?”
“Oh, sure. Mickey Mouse.”

“Now, class, are there any questions?”
“Yes. Where do the words go when you rub them off the blackboard?”

“Why are you late for school?”
“I saw a sign that said: School-Go Slow.”

“Teacher, I can’t do this problem.”
“Any six-year-old should be able to do it.”
“Well, no wonder I can’t. I’m twelve.”

“Why are you late this morning?”
“Because of the alarm clock. Everyone got up except me.”
“How was that?”
“There are eight of us and the alarm was set for seven.”

“How do you like the new teacher?”
“I don’t like her.”
“Why not?”
“She told me to sit up front for the present, and then she didn’t give me the present.”

“Can people predict the future with cards?”
“My mother can.”
“Really.”
“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”

“How are your marks in school?”
“Under water.”
“What do you mean?”
“Below C-level.”

“If you don’t behave I’ll have to ask your father to come and visit me.”
“You’ll be sorry. He’s a doctor and charges twenty dollars a visit.”

“Were the test questions hard?”
“No, the questions were easy. It was the answers that I had trouble with.”

JUDGE: I’ve decided to give you a suspended sentence.
PRISONER: Thank you, your honor.
JUDGE: What for? You are going to be hanged.

“Mommy, does God use our bathroom?”
“No, darling, why do you ask?”
“Well, every morning Daddy bangs on the door and shouts, “Oh,God, are you still in there?”

CAPTAIN: Why didn’t you stop the ball?
GOALIE: I thought that’s what the nets were for.

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